11 December 2013
That’s what I thought about a year and a half ago when I
posted my first entry on this blog. It’s still something I think about
frequently now, and lately it’s left a nagging thought at the back of my mind.
Urging me to tell the truth.
So I’m finally
putting my trembling hands to the keyboard.
I know I’m quiet. I have a hard time speaking up. The words
get caught at the back of my throat and it’s like trying to move a mountain to
try and free them.
That’s why I write. And it’s why I’m writing today.
You see, there’s another me behind the person I let you see.
It started as a voice in my head when I was ten.
It told me I hated myself. That I was nothing. That I should
die.
It grew to take over every part of me until I believed I was the hatred. It became such a part of
me that I couldn’t see beyond it.
Depression kind of sucks that way. It grows and propagates the
more you believe in its lies.
It tells you that people will hate you if you let them know.
It silenced me.
And I just sat back and let it happen.
I thought it was stronger than me.
So.
Many.
Lies.
Many.
Lies.
The truth was, as it always seems to be, the complete opposite.
Yes, I do have depression and anxiety. Yes, I have hurt
myself. Yes, I have thought of ending it all.
Yes, I did believe the lies.
But I know better now.
And even though it’s so, so difficult sometimes and the
truth becomes veiled,
I know the truth.
You see,
I am someone.
I have a voice that people will listen to.
I have friends and family who love and support me.
And most importantly,
I am stronger than it will ever be.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and
of love and of a sound mind."
- 2 Timothy 1:7
Thank you for posting this; it really touched my heart!
ReplyDeleteThank YOU for your comment! As scary as it was to write this, I'm hoping it will help start a dialogue on mental illness.
DeleteEmma, I know how hard it was to share these words as I too have had to share them. Please remember that you have lots of friends who love and support you. Remember, admitting that you suffer from depression and anxiety is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you have been strong for too long.
DeleteYou are a beautiful person with a beautiful voice!
Love you lots!
Carol C
Emma, I know how hard it was to share these words as I too have shared them with friends and family. Please remember that you have the love and support from lots of friends and family. Remember that admitting that you suffer from depression and anxiety does not mean that you are weak. It means that you have been strong for too long.
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful person with a beautiful voice!
Love you lots!
<3
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Congrats on making the first step wish I could do the same
ReplyDeleteThanks for your message! A month ago I would have never thought I'd be sharing these words now ... but here I am. The support I have received from friends and family because of this have been amazing and I hope that someday you will find the same peace that I have.
Delete